48. How to Set Boundaries

Hi everyone. I’m Saralyn Hodgkin. And this is the podcast to practice your leadership.

We’ve just wrapped a series on this opportunity of the reset, the reset of intentionally coming into yourself and into teams to say how do we work together now. That this is a moment that we can recognize and actually execute and operationalize on the opportunity to be intentional. The same goes with our own self leadership practice.

Here we are kicking off a little mini series now in these podcasts around what is the inner work and inner development that you can commit to in your practice to show up in teams and also in your communities? What, however you define those.

So what’s my work in order to show up in the work? What’s my inner work to show up in my team. What is my inner development, my inner growth, my inner work, to be able to show up at this time of reset, reintegration, whatever that, however that shows up for you, what’s my work and part of the work and that I’m going to focus on today is practicing your boundaries.

It is hard. It is. Hard. I talk about this a lot with a lot of different people. I have to tell you that I have not worked or been in relationship, friendship with anyone who isn’t actively practicing, whether consciously or unconsciously is a different matter, but who are not actually practicing their boundaries in some way, shape or form, because man, it is a booger.

It is hard. It makes you feel accountable to yourself. And that is scary. It requires you to be responsible for the way you behave. Oh my God. Give me a break. That’s hard. It’s invisible work. It makes or breaks conversations. And man does that ever need, sometimes huge doses for me anyways, of self-compassion. Boundaries, practicing your boundaries.

Of course, of course, this is on my list of what is the inner work we need to do to be able to show up in our work, in our teams, in our systems and our community at this time. So, first, first boundaries definition, when I’m asked about a definition on boundaries, the first place I turned to is Nedra Glover Tawwab’s work.

And I’m going to redirect from her book called,Set boundaries, find peace, a guide to reclaiming yourself. Okay. Wow. This, uh, copyright is 2021. There are other great books on boundaries as well. This is the one that I refer to because I’ve just really, I engage with it in many different ways.

Plus it has an associated workbook, which, um, I’ve really appreciated to do my own work, but here’s the definition she uses of boundaries. Boundaries are expectations and needs that help you feel safe and comfortable in your relationships, expectations and relationships help you stay mentally and emotionally well. Learning when to say no and when to say yes is also an essential part of feeling comfortable when interacting with others, page five. And that is her definition of boundaries. And I’m right there along for the ride with you.

Brené Brown, to bring her in the room and her work in the room, when she talks about operationalizing trust, she uses something called the anatomy of trust. Maybe some of you have seen it. Not going into the whole enchilada today, but to say that the first element of the behaviour of trust is boundaries.

Boundaries, meaning that I trust that you’ll tell me what’s okay, and not okay. And I’m going to do the same right. You respect my boundaries and when you’re not clear about what’s okay and not okay, you ask and that you’re willing to say no. Right. That that’s part of the boundary work. So with that intention and with some of Nedra Glover Tawwab’s work, we can really dive into our own practice and what it needs. Why? Well, part of the reason why, if any of you are experiencing any kind of burnout, mental health issues, anything like that?

Working on your boundaries is the root of self care. And let’s not talk about self care as painting your toenails, which is also really great, but self care in terms of your mental health resilience, self care in terms of you being able to show up and thrive because you deserve it. Boundaries is the root of this work.

And that in this moment of resetting how we show up in our teams and are we hybrid or not, and ba ba ba, how do we work together? How do we communicate? And so on that this is a moment for you to do your own work in resetting what are my boundaries now?

As I practice my own inner development, my inner work, I have a responsibility to myself and to others I’m in relationship with to practice and be clear about my boundaries now. Because my boundaries are not the same now as they were in January or as they were in February 2020.

They’re not even the same as when it was two months ago, because they can change. You’re allowed to change what is okay and not okay. Because you know what? The world is changing a mile a minute. Right? So the responsibility here is not to stay the same, but is to do the inner work to host a process with yourself to be able to know what are my boundaries, to be able to figure out how and when to communicate what around those boundaries.

So when I put some thought into this, here are some helpful tips, some things that I’m doing that might be helpful for you as you come into your own practice of your boundary work. And as you decide what your practice is now. So in figuring out, like what is my process around boundaries? I came up with four things.

One, I got to identify them. Two, I then have to make them clear. In whatever context I’m showing up that is appropriate, I have to make them clear. And as Brené Brown’s work talks about clear is kind. So even if I think that they’re not going to be held well by somebody I just have to have the courage to be clear.

Number three, I need to honour and practice those boundaries through my behaviour. So not only communicating them with a sentence, but then practicing them through my own behaviour is essential. And then four, I need to reflect on them. Oh, is that what I’m feeling now still? How is that showing up for me now?

Right. So that then I can, again, identify my boundaries now, make them clear, honour and practice them through my behaviour, and further reflect on them. It’s not like you set your boundaries when you’re seven years old and they just stay the same. Give me a break right? It’s not like you set your boundaries in February 2020, and they’re still the same now.

No. You don’t want to give people whiplash. Totally. And by changing them all the time, but just to be able to say that I don’t hear a lot of narrative, that things change and so your boundaries may change. So part of your responsibility, isn’t just to define them, but to reflect on them and iterate them as you learn, as you grow, as things change.

For example, a month ago, my boundary was, we’re not doing nothing. We’re not seeing anybody. Omicron is huge. Now we can see people outside, right? Like it’s just a real simplistic example of ways to practice my boundaries of what’s okay and not okay. Because why? I want it to reduce my stress.

Okay. I’m allowed to do that, right? Yeah, no problem. So part of what comes into this is not just identifying your process. That’s one for me, you may have a different process in in setting and practicing your boundaries. But setting a process is really helpful. Number two, honouring that things change.

But then number three, in knowing yourself in your boundaries part of the question and the prompt that I use is what enables me to thrive now. What enables me to thrive in this context. So if I’m going to go and coach a team of 35 people in person, what allows me to thrive in that is different than if I’m going to coach, uh, virtually a three person team over here.

What helps me thrive in those different contexts is different. Okay. So I need to know myself in that. Right? What allows you to thrive? What allows you to thrive in the context that is maybe shifting sands, that there’s ambiguity, or that there are just clear rules of the game that may not align with how you thrive. Now what are you going to do about it? Right. But it’s coming into a conversation of, Hey, what enables me to thrive in this context? Why? What am I learning from that? And then of course, what does that mean for my boundaries now?

The next thing for me is I make choices. Sometimes I advocate those boundaries clearly, vocally in a group setting, one-on-one with a person, whatever the context that is appropriate might be. I advocate for them sometimes in some contexts, I gotta be honest. I just let it go. And I’m like, I’m not putting in the emotional labor to have this conversation by communicating my boundary at this time. I’m just not going to continue to engage here.

Right. Um, you don’t want to ghost relationships or anything, but there’s a play here of making choices of how those boundaries show up in what context and when, what kind of communication style you use. There’s choices. There’s there’s places of discernment that you’re really wise, you can figure that out.

The last thing. Uh, well, two last things. One is in terms of knowing myself and how I am adapting to different contexts, not just that are outside of myself like places I show up, but the context within me and what I’m learning and growing is sometimes I use the adaptive cycle as a way to just center into what’s okay for me now. And what am I letting go.

So the eco cycle, adaptive cycle, it goes by a lot of different names is just a sideways infinity loop that allows a flow of conversation within myself, where, when you come up to the right of that figure eight, the questions are okay within my boundaries, what am I nourishing? What am I keeping? What patterns am I keeping in terms of the behaviours and the practices of those boundaries, right? It’s all about conserving and maintaining. And then when you come around the loop, it’s about what am I letting go of? What am I unlearninguh, around my boundaries, around my behaviours in practicing those boundaries?

What am I now saying no to? What am I avoiding? Does that help me see things that I may be conserving that I shouldn’t be, and I want to creatively destroy? Right. And then coming up and through around what am I playing with that I might want to plant seeds of trying to practice these things in my boundaries that I’m just not ready to yet, but I’m just seeding that a little bit over here. And then coming around the other side of that figure eight is, what am I not so skilled at yet? I’m not so clear yet about my boundaries, but I’m nurturing it. I’m, I’m starting to grow roots and tending to and making space for the growth of those practices or the growth of what’s okay and not okay for me. Right.

So being able to play with the adaptive cycle or some other framework that allows you to get into the flow of reflection of what’s useful and not useful for you and your practice. Lastly, what is really helpful for me is a self-compassion practice. I have not been good at this.

At all in my life, I have not been good at a self-compassion practice. It is new for me in 2022, in terms of the depth I see in the word self-compassion. In terms of actually saying this is something I’m working on is my own self compassion. But here the connection in boundaries is that I am not going to get them right. I am going to piss some people off. I’m going to upset myself. I’m not going to be perfect. You can see all these narratives and more where, you know, they, they come up in boundary work. And the biggest dose of self-compassion that I can give myself, allows me to nourish me to be able to continue the practice because that’s where a lot of us get stuck. Right?

Oh, I screwed up. Oh, this is too hard. Oh, this or that? Oh, I got this person upset. Can’t do that again. Whatever your narrative is and your experience is it’s really, it’s really easy to shut down this work because it’s hard and it’s invisible. And so self-compassion, and a self-compassion practice allows me to stay in the work.

So we’re at a time of reset, not just for our teams and organizations and communities, but we are at a time of reset for ourselves. One of the primary pieces we can pick up in our practice is boundary work.

I hope that you stay in the practice in whatever way that that suits you, because it is your responsibility to practice your work and define what that practice means. And it is our absolute pleasure to feel your presence when you show up having done your work. We need you to rise, practice your boundaries all.

Thanks all, I’m Saralyn. You can find me at holonleadership.org. I walk alongside you as you practice your leadership.