56. Changing with the Seasons

Hi everyone. I’m Saralyn Hodgkin, and this is the podcast to practice your leadership.

I’ve been in a process of healing and man, it is a bitch of a process. Healing is not easy, and it is a process that’s a season all onto itself. And is it ever challenging me to dive deep into not just learning, but like embodying patience? It’s um, It’s hard for those of you who heard a POS podcast I did a little while ago.

It was about, um, all the big feelings that I’ve had since, or in the acute stages and in the weeks after injuring my back and, um, It’s been a few months now of a healing journey, and it’s, uh, challenging me. You know, these moments in life that just challenge you and you’re like, where did that even come from?

And then you, you just look around and you’re like, you’re just in it. Like you’re in it. Well, I’m in it. And, um, Patience and healing. Like those are not, to me, they have never been sexy words. They’ve never been like, oh yeah, that’s what I’m really working on right now. Cuz they’re not yang like, you know, if, if I’m just smarter, then I’ll be able to show you my journey and what I’m learning, and patience and healing is just a full on different vibe, and it is kicking my ass.

How does one cultivate patience? I mean, oh my goodness. Anyways, I, I am knee deep in honouring that this too is a season in my life and part of what I wanted to share is. Um, in this season that I am in, not just with patients, but also in this, in this changing of season, I’m in a spot in Canada, um, where, you know, the snow is melting, the pavement’s dry.

You’re starting to see that the grass may even, uh, uh, grace us with its presence this year. And the birds are singing differently and, you know, all those signals that the seasons are literally changing. And so when I think of the season that I am in and exploring and tracking patience and healing, I also recognize that I am living in a connection with nature where it’s season is also changing and it reminds me.

Uh, reminds me, maybe not the best word, it cues me, c u e s, cues me to say, oh yeah, there’s been so much growing and shifting and so active under the soil with this deep stillness of growth that it is now shifting seasons to start popping up through the soil in ways that are somewhat unexpected, in ways that I’ve cultivated for years and everything in between.

Right. And that it’s, you know, not trying to push, it’s not everything. What is it? Everything all at once. Oh my gosh. I’m gonna mess that one up. But it’s not everything all at once. It’s, it is honouring the natural cycles and flows in how do I navigate this time of coming into spring, right? If, if I’m using nature in this moment, how am I coming into spring and recognizing all the growth and the roots right.

And that it’s, you know, not trying to push, it’s not everything. What is it? Everything all at once. Oh my gosh. I’m gonna mess that one up. But it’s not everything all at once. It’s, it is, honouring the natural cycles and flows, and how do I navigate this time of coming into spring, right? If, if I’m using nature in this moment, how am I coming into spring and recognizing all the growth and the roots and what’s trying to push through the soil, what has died and has let go of.

And I think that in this season of my life of patience and healing, that it’s like, yeah, there has been some elements of, of things I’ve cultivated over years that have helped me through this season and other things that have activ have been activated and other things that have been let go of and have composted, and I don’t know what all those things are.

I’m not gonna give you some brilliance right now about what all those things are, and I have it all figured out. I don’t know, I’m in the middle of it, but I do know that when I reflect on the qualities of what I’m seeing right now, I think that that has something to offer.

So, for example, the quality that is alive with me. I keep using the word to describe this quality as belonging and belonging with myself, belonging in the world sounds lovely and some romantic rosy notion of belonging, but, the active participation in cultivating belonging is really hard, and right now I’m just trying to cultivate belonging with myself and all that is within me and, and where my body is at, where my mind is at, where I’m turning towards. I’m just trying to love it and honour it and be with it and seek and find and sit with belonging with myself, much less the participation of actively cultivating belonging with others and in community. Right now, one of the qualities that I just sit with is belonging.

Connect that to allyship, not even allyship with others, for goodness sake, just allyship with myself to try and elevate others for sure, like being in service of that, but also, not, but, and also allyship with self in being an ally for patience, which is what my capital s self needs, being in allyship with healing, like these things are not easy and it requires a sitting with belonging and allyship that I just have not necessarily experienced in this way before.

I, I experienced some of this with grief. Grief over losing my father, grief in, in a lot of different ways over the course of my life of sitting with, but, there’s something here that I’m exploring around the patience and healing and the allyship and belonging I need to have with that at this time, at this in this season.

And I think that the other thing is cultivating the conditions for resilience, meaning that post-traumatic growth, right? That comes out of hard stuff and being able to, as Glennon Doyle says, do hard things, right? Being able to grow out of that, sit in the muck of it and grow out of it, not just persevere through it, right?

Getting punched down like boxers and having to stand back up and keep taking. That’s not what I mean with resilience here. What I mean is being able to sit in the muck and having, having established some roots in cultivating and sitting with that which is hard for me and being able to rise up and through it in time.

You know, Brene Brown talks about sitting in the arena, blood, sweat, and tears, right? Um, and really working at some of your vulnerability as she talks about in dare to lead and in her other books. And, you know, I resonate a little bit with that right now about sitting in the arena. Um, but with a little bit more grace than I think, what I imagine, or trying to anyways, to be able to grow from this experience while experiencing it, which means re-imagining, re-imagining.

Re-imagining productivity in aware in a way that that isn’t just about do more. It is literally about being with. It is about being able to let go of things that don’t serve for sure, and coming into places of rest and presence, and and activities that cultivate joy as this element of productivity in this season of patience of being with and belonging with myself.

Whew. I don’t know if that all is coherent for others. Uh, and again, I’m in the midst of it, but, I think practically what it comes down to is literally seeing my energy as currency and wisely spending it, consciously spending my attentional resources. Dr. Gloria Mark talks about attentional resources in her research, and it’s like how am I consciously spending the limited capacity of my attention, of my energy in ways that invest in my patience in my healing, in my belonging with self?

Yeah, and all of that. Actually, when I curl that, all of that then puts me in practice, and I’m sure many of, many of you can relate to this. Puts me in a practice of trying to turn the volume down on my self-doubt and turn my volume up on my, on my self esteem and centering what I value. And turning the volume way down on comparisons.

In Liz and Molly’s book. Um, uh oh, uh, Big Feelings. Couldn’t believe. I can’t believe I did, couldn’t remember that. They have a whole chapter on comparison. And so part of what I’m experiencing right now is my active practice of not comparing and they give a few questions in their book. I’m not gonna get them completely right.

But it’s like, it’s like where, where am I showing up where I feel comparison? Like what’s making me feeling, feeling like comparing with others? And right now it’s like comparing in being able to do some really active things. Being up for me on the Peloton. I cannot do what I was able to do in November.

I can’t do it right now cuz I’m literally, my back is saying no. My body is saying no. So, but I still compare even though I rationally know, I’m still comparing. And so part of it is like what are they doing? The what do they have? Why can they do that? But I can’t. So just noticing when comparison is turning up and then really what void or what’s actually going on?

What am I believing that I’m needing to fulfill? And it’s like, oh. I’m trying to fulfill some need for some form of productivity of myself and self worth by being able to master this 20 minute climb on this Peloton. Wait a minute. No, no, I don’t. Like I’ve gotta catch, I’ve gotta catch myself in that comparison because what is it that I really want.

Well, I, I really want to be able to be back to where I am, but what do I need to honour right now? What I need to honour is the patience and healing that’s going on cuz life is trying to teach me something. Freaking doodles, right? Damn. And so, Um, Dr. Dr. Gordon Nuefeld, he does child psychology stuff and what he talks about is fut or I learned the concept of just feeling the futility from him, and I am literally feeling the futility, of so much in this process of healing and patience and belonging and literally, centering what I need.

And some of you maybe get into places of comparison as well, and it’s like, yeah, having to center what you value versus what other values. That’s hard work. Anyway, I think that all in all, what’s going on for me, hopefully there are nuggets that are useful for you and something that was offered to me a couple of days ago and that I’m really trying to hold is the idea of inviting in the joy. That whatever season I’m in, whatever I’m letting go of, and composting or cultivating or whatever, practicing, not practicing, pissed off at whatever it is that I am constantly looking out the window.

Usually I’m literally trying to look out a window and look at some kind of tree or something that’s not a screen. Or even human and just invite the joy. I’m really pissed off about the situation, blah, blah, blah, blah. Invite the joy and that’s helping me right now, recalibrate into the patience that I need to be sitting with myself.

So hopefully there’s something there offered to you in the practice of your leadership in getting curious about your leadership qualities as your seasons change, stay in the practice all.

Thanks all. I’m Saralyn. You can find me at holonleadership.org. I walk alongside you as you practice your leadership.