68. The Inner Work of Resilience

Hi everyone. I’m Saralyn Hodgkin, and this is the podcast to practice your leadership.

Resilience is hard folks. I am in a season. I don’t know if you get into seasons but whoo wee. I am in a season and it is underscoring for me that resilience as a practice is something I need to lean into. It is not all sunshines and roses. It is challenging and it requires me to reflect on patterns, narratives, the stories I tell myself, it requires me to reflect in places that are just ick and not comfortable, whether I want to or not is besides the point, it’s, it’s what’s, it’s what is calling forth within me and how do I know it’s calling forth?

Because my back hurts and it’s affecting my glute muscles and so like a colleague of mine posted one day he’s like I’ve got a pain in my ass. I’m like I literally have a pain in my ass right now Oh my gosh But my body is just like saying Uh, there’s some things you’re avoiding and Sarahlyn yu need to stop, you need to pause. You need to come into a season of pause. Like this isn’t just for like 60 seconds.

And you need to learn into what it means, Saralyn, to be in the practice of nurturing and receiving and grounding as a place of resilience. It’s not all about like hit the cardio hard. It’s not all about being on and doing and being efficient and all of those very masculinized energy, yang energy, productivity energy ways, like those ways you’re torquing too hard on that.

And so my body, my energy signals around me are saying, Hey, there’s some patterns here that aren’t working for you and it’s draining you, which means that my resilience is

having a tough time. And with, you know, whatever stuff you got going in your life, I know that the stuff that’s going on in my life is, you know, begging for my attention in all these different ways, but it’s also requiring to stand up, look in the mirror and say, wow. Resilience is a practice. You need to look at your patterns and your narratives and the icky spots, Saralyn, and lean into what that is.

And for me, folks, right now, that means leaning into things that I find difficult. Like I find nurturing in a way that is just being and putzing around and not attacking everything like, uh, like we’re going to get this done. Right. That it’s actually a different kind of energy of just being and being within, being for, moving forward.

And with some of the stuff that I’m going through that I’m processing, I just thought maybe you all can relate and I sat down and I just looked at some of, you know, some of the inner work development work that I do, like for my own inner game as one of my colleagues, Gina talks about.

Um, that part of it is reflecting on like what is inner work? What does that look like? And I was reviewing all of that and I was like, okay, so with what I’m trying to figure out as a parent, as a mom, as a woman, as a matriarch, and in all of my identities that I hold, what am I learning right now about what’s useful as I traverse this, right?

As I traverse this season. And I thought I’d share some of it with you all to see if maybe it helps you out too. It’s not the be all end all, but here’s a, here’s a few things that helps me practice my leadership, my agency, that helps me practice my resiliency.

And this is not gratitude lists and spas. No, that stuff, man, oh man, uh, like need all that, need all that care. But here’s some of what I’ve been doing. Number one is that I’ve been tracking breadcrumbs, so I’ve been trying to listen. Um, differently to multiple intelligences, like not just my head, I’ve been trying to tap into the emotional qualities I have to use emotion as data, emotion as messengers.

I’ve been tracking the breadcrumbs of of my energetic state in different places, of what I gravitate to and what I don’t. I’ve been, I’ve been following the breadcrumbs of just what messages am I heightened to listen to when somebody speaks, when I’m listening to a masterclass or something on Peloton or I’m listening to a friend or a family member or, you know, or I’m just noticing what I’m looking at at the grocery store.

And I got to tell you, salted caramel cashew ice cream, um, has had a lot of my attention. But other than that, it’s just tracking the breadcrumbs of being able to see what is trying to capture my attention. And part of tracking breadcrumbs means to be able to notice what I’m noticing, but then also try to notice what I’m avoiding.

And that’s really interesting. Um, because I am really good at tracking it from a space of like, let’s get this done. Let’s follow this trail versus tracking what is possible, tracking what is flirting with my attention, which is not always a cold salmon, you know, hitting me in the face. So it really means that I’m honoring intuition.

I’m honoring, um, the knowing in my gut and in my heart. So tracking breadcrumbs in various ways, that’s been helpful. Um, and part of tracking breadcrumbs also allows me to do the second thing, which is pattern tracking. So trying to notice the deeper patterns of what I am drawn to, what I say, what, where I put my energy, what that looks like.

So, I am recognizing that I even go into like osteopath appointments and into my healthcare journey. I, I attack that journey, right? I like we are going to get to the bottom of this and help me understand how this and this and this fits together. And what’s the attribution, like, When you say fascia and that that’s all like this, and then you see the ultrasound of my liver that says that, okay, so now how does that, I get into that kind of space.

And it’s like, whoa, whoa, whoa, what’s the pattern of how I am always coming at things around my health, have for years. And what is the opportunity now to disrupt that pattern of always being that productivity lens into instead coming into the same osteopath appointment, naturopath appointment, family doctor appointment, whatever it is, but coming into that appointment with a little bit of a different essence and energy.

Where it’s a place of nurture and heal and not knowing every rational, whatever, but instead being able to sit with what’s calling forth and what’s needed now. What is it? What does it look like for me to say, here’s something real practical got to tell you. We’ve got a local shop here called Suzy Q Donuts.

Oh my gosh, I love their donuts. And they’ve got vegan donuts and they’re so good that it’s like, yeah, give me some, like give me some food, right? Comfort, nurture, and all of that. What, what does it look like to nurture my body? Because it’s like, yeah, of course I have some of those comfort foods, definitely.

But does it also look like nurturing my body and just sitting with a cup of tea that doesn’t have maybe the oat milk in it, right? There’s just, there’s just a different way of approaching what does it mean to nurture myself? What does it mean, um, to come into a healing journey differently? What are the deeper patterns that I’m recognizing in myself coming at things with a very, with a certain kind of productivity go get them lens, which might be suppressing my feminine energy, for example, right?

So there’s just something about spotting deeper patterns. And then the other thing I think is around truth seeking. So if I’m, if I’m tracking my breadcrumbs, if I’m, if I’m trying to surface and notice deeper patterns and I’m using multiple intelligences to do that, then the other part of that for me is truth seeking.

So I’ve been reflecting on some stuff that happened in my childhood, right? Teen years, those teen years, teen years. And there, you know, I’ve, I’ve usually approached, reflecting on some of those years with a bit of anger. Um, But what does it look like to be able to, this is a question for myself, right, to be able to do a little bit of truth seeking into that time of my life in a way where I’m not bringing judgment, I’m not bringing shame, I’m not letting some of those characters in the room, and where I can actually use the support of others to To label and use language to say, to identify an experience, to identify a moment that allows me to have a deeper truth, to seek a deeper truth of what the story is that I’m creating from that, um, those teenage years, which actually has allowed me to come into a certain level of healing around some things.

Like, I didn’t know that was going to happen, right? It’s also, I’ve also applied that to some of my family history that I’ve really dug into here with my, uh, you know, reflecting on some of the stories, um, from family history from, um, both sides of my family and really trying to, you know, With a different perspective of nurture, grounded, receive, generosity, non judgment, come into a place of seeking a bit more truth in some of the stories that I can then heal some of what I’ve experienced and some of the stories that I will pass on to my children, right, as a matriarch here in our household.

Um, and While I’m tracking breadcrumbs and deeper patterns and truth seeking, there’s also a place for me, in these many ways of knowing, a place for me to really try to figure out where to let go. What are some things that I can let go? And what does let go even mean? And some of that comes through like some somatic work that I’m doing and so on.

But this is one that I get a little bit stumped at in terms of the practicality of it because I can say, Oh, I’m not going to think that anymore. I’m not going to do that anymore. But there’s, there’s something here connected to my healing that I’m still figuring out folks around how I shed, how I let go to compost in and how I, how I detach from certain threads and I lay them to rest.

So that I can then move on in the emerging self that I have now. Okay well some of that sounds a bit like whoo hey but this is the inner game is getting into conversation with who you are, who you are becoming. That is, I believe is already within us and that it’s a lot of, uh, peeling away, right? And so some of the prompts that I have for myself right now is, um, that I get curious about is one is around, where’s my resistance?

Where do I see resistance? Again, not to judge, but just to be able to notice, not to be able to drive home and knowing around that, but just to be curious about it. So for example, I went to, a gym here in town that I thought that I might sign up for. And anyways, there was just like, I, Oh, I was just like, Oh, I don’t, what is this emotion that I’m feeling?

And why am I so resistant to be here? Oh, you know, and part of my curiosity was, wow, I really do need to be here if I’m so resistant to it. I was trying to get there. And then a couple of things happen over the next couple of days, which has invited me to go check out this other gym. And I’m like, wow, there’s much more alignment here.

Huh. So it’s, it’s holding the breadcrumbs, holding the threads to not converge too early, right? And so that’s where that prompt of what am I resisting takes me. That’s one place that takes me. But, where’s my resistance is a prompt? What am I avoiding is another prompt. Again, holding them with curiosity.

And then, these all kind of sit together. The third one is what am I drawn to? And when I’m playing with these prompts together, where’s my resistance, what am I avoiding, what am I drawn to? It’s like a trifecta of intelligence gathering, right? To just hold lightly as I become further and further aware of where this leads, where this curiosity leads, right?

Um, just the last part here is that I’m recognizing that Um, sitting in things that just, you know, history, experiences, stories, like just areas that are really uncomfortable for me. What does it mean to linger there and dwell there without trying to fix it? And that can be physical, like I’m trying to be in this space where I have some body issues right now.

And of course, like going to an osteopath or whatever it might be. Of course, I’m doing those things, but also not being so mad at my body, right? But just lingering with that discomfort and going, Hmm, what is here? And also some discomfort of reviewing some of my history and my past, just dwelling in that uncomfortableness instead of trying to fix or push or make sense of. Lingering in it in order to breathe in and be allows me a possible pathway towards healing in ways that I can’t prejudge or control.

And wow, is that maddening because love to control it, right? X plus Y equals Z, but it’s, um, it’s a place of allowing myself to let into this space that doesn’t make 100 percent of sense, but instead is calling me to track breadcrumbs, reflect on patterns, and seek my truth. So there’s my share, folks. I hope that in your leadership practice, as you dive in, and as you dive in to unfolding the layers of your inner work, that maybe some of that is helpful.

Stay in the practice folks.

Thanks all. I’m Saralyn you can find me at holonleadership.org. I walk alongside you as you practice your leadership.