41: Confidence: A Power Conversation with Kirstin Battista

We’re talking about confidence today, all, and it’s a topic that probably everybody in some way, shape or form, they dig their claws into, in some ways, right on your leadership journey and in your practices. And part of what I wanted to do today was host a conversation with someone who I really respect in having conversations around confidence.

And that is Kirsti Battista and she joins us today. Kirsti is, not only is, a colleague of mine, but we have been together in relationship for 15 years. And, there are moments when my confidence isn’t just in the toilet, like it’s in a septic tank, like it is gone.

And Kirsti is one of the individuals who I reach out to, to help me come back into myself, to help me find perspective and to just stand beside me if nothing else. So Kirsti, you to me, but can you just introduce yourself and who you are outside of our relationship and more professionally as you come into this conversation on confidence?

Kirsti: My name is Kirsti. My full name is actually Kirstin. Kirstin Battista and I live in Toronto and I’m a mindset coach who helps women become the most heart led, self loving, powerful, and impactful version of themselves in and out of the workplace. And I essentially work with the women who’s like ready to step the F up, make her own roles and redefine herself. And this is the journey that I’ve gone on and evolved so much through. And it’s my joy to now offer this same experience to others who are looking to start and end in a similar way.

Saralyn: It is really great to have you here. Thank you for coming and joining us Kirsti. I appreciate it. I want to talk with you about confidence. Because you are a woman who demonstrates confidence, number one. Number two, I find, that it is one of the number one elements that comes into like every conversation, right?

That it’s the number one thing that we all want. And it’s the number one thing that we feel like we’re lacking and that we want to be working on and we take courses for it. We do meditations for it. We lose weight for it. We do a whole bunch of things in the name of confidence building, or I’m going to take a Toastmasters and be more confident in speaking. Like there’s a whole bunch of ways that people talk about confidence, of course,

Kirsti: Yep.

Saralyn: because it’s at the very centre of part of our story and our experience. And so I thought today it would be really neat to just have a conversation about what the heck is confidence. What does it mean? Especially at this time when things are wobbly and people are trying to go back into work or not, or navigate the sort of the complex times and the news channels that are saying the whatever’s like confidence just seems to be a centring conversation.

Why do you want to have this conversation?

Kirsti: Yeah.

Well, I’m just so game for this conversation. Thank you, first of all, for inviting me to chat, like let’s bounce this around. I’m so excited to bounce this topic around, especially with you, another woman who just demonstrates like massive confidence. But yeah, I mean, it’s a personally close subject, I think partly because of my own journey in tapping into my own confidence. It was a really elusive thing for me for a long time. I couldn’t quite understand like, why was I chasing this thing that felt so far away?

Why did I feel like I had to pretend in order to feel like.. You know, it was fake it til you make it concept that I chased for a while, which didn’t really last. Um, and you know, what I find really interesting is that I always looked to women in the workplace, who were, you know, rungs up the ladder, like towards the top, as these icons, right?

These idols, these role models that I thought had all their shit together. And when I started to kind of dig into it and do my research, when I became a coach, I realized in conversation with those women that, yeah, like they’re actually not as confident as it looks like to me. So just, that was a bit of a surprise.

And I think kind of, opened up that can for me to go even deeper into it so that I could understand it, harness it, learn it, and teach it.Understand it, harness it, learn it, and teach it. Which are all four ways of just trying to embody what confidence means to you. Right? Like I’m repeating that cause it’s like, yeah, those are four different trajectories of trying to figure out confidence in a way that you’re trying to embody it, unfold it, open your eyes to it, and unlearn what confidence looks like out there. Right?

Saralyn: Your Facebook post that has you all glory and whatever. You still got confidence issues back there. I know you do. Right. And recognizing as well that there are systems that are set up specifically to reduce our confidence, right? Anybody who’s ever been on a health journey or a weight loss journey, you’ve been a participant in those systems of let’s try and bring your confidence down. So you buy more, right? Like there’s systems all around us that we have no control over that give narratives and so on. Kirsti, for you in your journey around confidence, where are you now with it?

Kirsti: Yeah.

Saralyn: like, what I’m hearing from you is you’ve tried to hustle a little bit and you know, you know, trying to do this and trying to do that and hold it.

And cause when you said, you know, I’m trying to, I forget now the four where it’s like, you’re trying to learn it and harness it, but you didn’t say control it. And I, I find that that’s a path for a lot of people is if I just do this, I will be more confident if I just do that, I will be more confident.

But to me when I hear you talking, it sounds like it’s been more of a path. It’s been more of a evolution, a journey. I don’t want to put words in your mouth, but like there’s been stuff in your world that has gotten you to where you are now.

Kirsti: Yeah, absolutely.

Saralyn: And so what’s that look like.

Kirsti: Yeah.

Yeah. So I think, like I mentioned, it was sort of chasing after this thing that felt very external. Like it’s the, if I do this, you know, then maybe I’ll be confident idea, which now I understand is complete fallacy. It doesn’t work like that. Like confidence is not external.

External confidence comes from within. Absolutely and always, at least in my opinion. And confidence to me is about really having self-trust right? Like having your own back, no matter what the situation is, no matter where you are, who’s in front of you, what’s in front of you.

What may come to be in front of you, right? Like a lot of us get in our own heads when we’re anticipating something that’s coming down the pipeline, that might be a challenge. So to me, it was about grounding into myself, grounding into the core of who I am. Not like the parts of me that I feel like I need to be, or that I should be, but like, there’s an authentic part of me that stays the same.

My journey involved, really getting more in touch with that core self, that authentic self, and rewriting the script that I used to believe, right, about myself. That I wasn’t confident that if only I was confident, then my life would be better or I would perform better in this way. And then I’ll have the praise and then I’ll get the salary, you know, you could have just connected all those dots.

And, and it was really about like coming into myself that allowed me to have grace with that, like to give myself the respect and permission to like sit with what wasn’t like to be accepting and surrendering to what I felt was lack and feel those uncomfortable feelings and be present with that, which was a little, I feel was like the healing process that needs to tap in before I was then ready to kind of like, okay, like, how do I move forward from here? How do I actually move into a confident space? A way of being.

Saralyn: And that’s part of it. Right? You just used the word healing, you know, your hands over your heart, around being with what is lacking, I think is the way you put it, right? Like it’s, it’s being okay with all of that on the journey of healing.And, you you know, my, my add here is the word that I use a lot is like, self-authoring your path.

You’ve probably heard me at nauseum say that. But it’s the same idea, right? Of coming into self, authoring from within yourself, as you said, you know, finding that script in yourself and it’s not about chasing what’s externally out there, it’s about the unlearning, the peeling away the layers of the noise that’s on top of what is already within

Kirsti: Hmm.

Saralyn: and trying to access that so that you can sit with the healing that needs to happen.

And it sounds like that’s been a big part for you. Hey, has been for me.

Kirsti: Yeah, for me as well.

Saralyn: Yeah. And so I wonder what some of like what some of what you do that helps stay in that place around confidence, right. That allows you to stay in a place of inner trust and self-authoring around that. So for example, what comes up into my mind is, reducing some of the noise and the chatter out there.

and what curls off of that is coming into my own voice means moving away from the external validation, the external power narratives that take me away from authoring my own path, that, that it really comes down to, as you say, trusting in yourself to stand confidently in that job performance review that you’ve got, where they’re saying you’re no good.

Saralyn: And it’s like, that’s not helpful, nor is that true. I’m amazing. We just might not have alignment here. Right? Like it’s rescripting some of these things that happen, right. That’s part of what comes up for me. What about for you?

Kirsti: Yeah. I think, it’s in the same vein for me too. It’s about kind of removing the chatter, right? Like again, kind of, we have these two worlds that we live in. There’s the inner world and there’s the outer world. Right. And it requires removing ourselves from the outer to come back into the inner, go inward.

And I think, you know, to really examine this stuff needs to come from a place of awareness and presence. It’s you got to get to that place before you’re really able to fully examine what’s there and what isn’t. And it’s about really being intentional, right? Like really putting your focus and attention on it and navigating what comes up.

I think this is like, there’s a bit of somatic practice that was a part of this for me. It was about getting really uncomfortable, comfortable with feeling uncomfortable.

Saralyn: Yeah.

Kirsti: And for me in particular, I don’t know if this is true for you. But my so-called lack of confidence. I connected back to what was like a root, like, you know, sort of wound you could call it.

Like, idea I have about myself, which is that I’m not enough, right. Enough what? I mean, it’s, you know, but, to see that and to connect that and to then understand that like, okay, that’s, that’s a narrative that likes to play itself on repeat, right? Like these are the things that require that extra healing.

Like this is where I want to serve myself. And in order to pour as much love into that area, in order to like, close that wound as much as I can. And move forward with grace and compassion and love knowing that I am. I know, I know rationally I am enough. I might not always feel it. It might not feel like I’m always my confident self, but like to accept that, that it doesn’t have to be perfect and a hundred percent closed, that wound, that I can move forward as a flawed, imperfect, messy human being and still be fabulous.

Like I believe that about myself now. I understand that like that’s possible for us and confidence, I think radiates from that acceptance and surrender of like, no, no, no, I’m good. I’m good. And I got myself, no matter what.

Saralyn: And I’ve got myself, no matter what, like it’s being your self advocate, it’s standing in your two feet, flawed and all and saying

Kirsti: yeah,

Saralyn: yeah, I’ve got lots to learn and I’m awesome. Right. And I’m fab.

Kirsti: Exactly.

I mean for me, from what I’ve heard from others and within myself as well.

Saralyn: Like when I sense into imposter syndrome, when I see that playing out in myself or in others or blame game, right? Blaming myself, blaming others, like things along these lines, it’s like, hold on. Those are signals for me to say, wait, I got to get grounded and centred and to be satisfied with who I am and that I’m enough, stand in places of compassion and generosity for myself and the world.

And then relook and rescript this, this situation, and look at those inner voices, like you said, right? Look at those inner voices that natter at me, whether it’s I’m not enough or I don’t belong or whatever the narrative is, it’s like, hold on a minute. Let’s rescript that because that’s not true. be what I feel and let’s honour that for a moment, but it’s not necessarily true.

And what narrative do I want that helps bring me back into myself. The capital S self, right. Brings me back into myself so that I can change my lens, ignore that chatter and be with myself in a place of kindness and compassion, learning, fierceness, what, you know, whatever your stances are to learn into confidence. Because it doesn’t just come off the shelf, right?

Kirsti: No, I think it’s a practice, right?

Saralyn: Yeah. Well, you know, I think that.

Kirsti: I do. And, and it takes repetition, right? Like I think confidence is also a choice. It’s a decision. You make a decision. That I’m going to show up as my confident self today, no matter what that looks like, maybe it doesn’t feel actually that confident, but you decided I’m going to be my most confident today, and however you showed up, was enough, right?

Saralyn: Yeah.

Kirsti: And the next time, and then the next time and the next time, and it starts to feel more, you start to embody that. Right. And at some point it starts to feel much more natural.

Saralyn: And so exactly, and that, that looks different for every individual. So when I say confidence and what that means to me, I have a whole bunch of past experiences, and influences and, ancestry lineage. Like I got a whole bunch of stuff that comes and informs what does confidence mean to me? What is my journey with confidence? Right?

And that’s different for you and that’s different for everybody listening here. It might even be helpful for, you know, in terms of a practice is just to sit down and say, what does confidence mean to me? And actually write that out. Where do I show up in my most confident self? Where do I show up when I’m not feeling confident?

Like, what are the inner forces that are going on? What are, what’s the way I’m behaving? Right. Some people show up with a lot of laughter in situations when they’re not feeling confident. Some people show up with a lot of anger and then, you know, people are having a hate on them and it’s like, well, they just needed a lot more love from themselves.

Kirsti: Mhm.

Saralyn: Much less anybody else.

Like, it just shows up so differently for everybody. And I find that some people chasing confidence, then they don’t get to the root issue. They get to the sort of sub issue, like, okay, if I just become a better public speaker. Okay. I just, or, or I’ve had people who’ve come to me and say, listen, I just want coaching on how to communicate stronger.

And it’s a totally, yeah, good ask. Totally get it. So what’s underneath that? What’s going on with that? Because it’s, Toastmasters is not going to solve that for you. Right. So where what’s going on inside that you want to look at, and more importantly, that you don’t want to look at, that we can hold together, right.

For you to then play with it wherever that unfolds, and then seeing what the narratives are on the outside. Like a lot of people who have imposter syndrome of course are giving a lot of power and I’m one of them. Let me just be clear, give power to system narratives, right. That tell me I’m not good enough. Right.

And so then I feel this imposter syndrome which Jodi-Ann Burey’s article and TedTalk all around this stuff. We can put in the resources talking about the mythology of imposter syndrome. Give me a break. Right? You are, you are fabulous. talk me through what’s, you know, what’s curling for you.

And when you said practice, what do you mean by practices? What does that look like for you?

Kirsti: Yeah. So one of the things just sort of alluding to kind of getting comfortable with the discomfort part, like this was going into my body. It was a somatic practice that really helped me to draw out the confidence that was already within. Right. Because in order to feel that confidence, I need to just be able generally to like, feel what’s happening in my body, no matter what the emotion or like quality is, right.

Like what is the state that I’m feeling? So that was a really important practice was, really honouring the communication of my intelligence system. Right. My body. And, and going through the process, like here’s a fantastic practice that I actually learned from Maddi Rundell who we both know, who’s a psychologist, registered psychologist and just an incredible human being. I did a course with her where she taught us to essentially get into your body and start to feel the emotion that’s present, or like pick one emotion that’s present, perhaps the strongest one, and then start to place a name on that. What is that? Is that sadness? Is that fear? Is that grief? Is that anxiety? Right?

Frustration? And then feel it like, where is it in your body? Where is it located in your body and what is the sensation? So is it in my chest? Is it like a tightness? Is it a constriction? Is it in my, my shoulders? Is it just sort of like a heaviness? And from there then the part of the process is well listen to what that emotion is trying to tell you. There’s a need that’s trying to be expressed. So the discovery then is what is the need that my body is having and trying to communicate to me. And then the last step is to actually, this is pretty radical, when you start to listen to your body and then radically respond and give yourself what you need.

Saralyn: Okay. So as you’ve been saying that this is so powerful for me, embodiment doesn’t work for everybody. I totally get that. It works for me. So I’m going to take this moment to say, as you were saying that I was just trying, I was just quickly following, along in my body. And for me, it taps right into my solar plexus and it’s like a crying little girl and just trying to be accepted and seen.

And it’s like this weeping and this sadness like this, like, and I can feel it, I start to become verklempt. Oh my gosh, I can totally feel it. And so what is it that I need? I need self compassion. I need self kindness. And I’m talking like, Kristin Neff kind of, self-compassion like a practice of self-compassion.

And like, as soon as I say it, my body just kind of opens up and is like, yeah, that’s what you need. Like, I can feel it right away as you take me through that Kirsti.

Kirsti: That’s beautiful.

Saralyn: But this is what you’re saying, right? Is like it’s being able to use some sometimes for some, an embodiment practice that’s what’s worked for you. Totally works for me. May not work for everybody, but wow. To embody that confidence based on what you need.

Kirsti: Yeah. And like, just to riff off what you were saying, like, there’s this little girl who’s like calling out to be seen and heard. I mean, when you start to pay attention to that, right, like draw your awareness to her and recognize that she needs that. And, and also to have this understanding that you can be the one who does that for her.

Saralyn: Yeah.

Kirsti: Right? You don’t need external validation or attention or whatever it is. Like you can do that for yourself. And I think that’s quite radical and in that too, like, just that is also helping to develop the self trust. That is part of the root of confidence.

Saralyn: And knowing that it is, let’s just be real, it’s invisible work that is undervalued, completely undervalued, even snickered at, uh, in some circles. And it’s hard. Like, I don’t know a different word that helps get to the depth of the word hard than hard. Like it’s just so hard. And I find it’s not an immediate reward kind of thing. So it’s a long-term game that only you get to play and only you really see and only you, and that you’ve got to sit with a whole bunch of comfort, like, sorry, why do we do this again?

That’s where my head goes. So talk me through, when you don’t do this work to come into a place of self authored, inner state of being confidence, then what have you seen show up in people’s lives?

Kirsti: Oh, for sure. I mean, so like, we’re talking about really being able to harness, like to have that awareness and then harness your thoughts about yourself. Like, this is what we’re really talking about at the root of like what is happening when you’re in a certain state confident or not.

Like, it’s not your circumstances that cause you to feel a certain way. It’s the thoughts that you have about your circumstances or about yourself that then cause the emotional response. Right?

And it’s the emotional response, the physiological response, and the thought, the conscious thought that you have that creates a state that you’re in. Right. This is what we learn in neuro-linguistic programming. And so once you understand that those two things come together like that, you can start to like incrementally start to play with, well, you know, I might not fully believe that I’m confident yet, but what is the thought or belief that I would like to have if I’m not fully there yet?

Is it that, you know, I’m open to being confident? Or I’m willing to play with being confident. I’m maybe it’s not a step below confidence. Maybe it’s like, you know, I trust that I can figure things out in this situation that I’m in. There are ways to kind of play with that and it all comes from a thought.

Saralyn: And those thoughts are influenced by our life situation, by what we grew up with, by what we consume and media, for me, I had something real hard happen to me in 2017, 2018, 2019, and then all of us collectively in 2020. And over those four years, what I learned into was a mantra about that I tapped into and that I had to learn into actually embodying and believing that I am creative.

I am resourceful and I am naturally and wholeheartedly, fully intelligent to carve out my own path. And I had to keep tapping into that in these hardships that I went through or else I got sucked in to narratives situations that just were not leading me in good places. And it all came from for me I used mantras.

Everybody uses something different to change my thought patterns that were being so heavily influenced by some life situations that were happening to me.

Kirsti: Hm.

Saralyn: A significant example that I saw recently in the movie king Richard is about Venus and Serena Williams and their dad, completely changing what could have been a narrative of just, you know, just survive, changed their family narrative.

It takes place over their, their young lives. Completely changes their family narrative. Of course, we belong on the tennis courts. Of course, we’re going to be doing this. Of course, my girls are champions. Of course they are but the bit being that it just underscores your point here, Kirsti about you control your narrative.

And sometimes that narrative is really hard to hold when everything around you even tells you differently. And what is the power? What is the power of holding in a loving, supportive network, which is, which is part of what, what happened in the Williams family, right? Is that they had love and support for one another, maybe not externally, but at least for one another loving, supportive family with a narrative that was just quite clear and that everybody was behind and actually smiled about right.

What is possible from there? What’s possible?

Kirsti: Oh my, like, everything is possible, from there. I mean, but I haven’t watched the movie, is it a movie?

Saralyn: Movie.

Kirsti: Movie. Like I haven’t watched that movie, but I think that that’s somewhat extraordinary in some ways to have an outside. I mean, this is a family member we’re talking about, right. Like holding you to a certain standard, like believing in you so fully and holding you to the standard that you’ve, there’s like, I’m sure maybe moments of doubt in there, but like at some point you’re like, okay, this is who, this is who I am? Like when you hold a standard that high and from childhood into adulthood, I mean, that’s going to have a massive influence on the way you see yourself, right? Because worlds, there’s the inner world your own self image.

And then there is the image of who you are reflected back to you on the outside world. So the outside world is telling these girls who they were essentially at a ripe age, where they could be programmed to believe that was true, which is a beautiful thing in a way, whereas that isn’t the case for most of us, right.

Somewhere along the way we pick up some woundings some, you know, something that causes us to turn our narrative or internal narrative about ourselves into something that is about lack something that is like, has a negative spin on it. It’s like something that we’re not enough of, or, you know, and in that case like, so that’s like probably 90%, if not more people walking on this planet who are looking at this circumstance, what you need to do is work at the internal level first.

The outside, isn’t going to tell you, you need to tell the inside who you are. You’re the one in control of your story. This is you authoring your own path, as you say. And I mean, a lot of people don’t necessarily understand that is available to you. You can rewrite your script. You don’t need to be who the world tells you you are.

You have the power to believe in whatever you want to believe about yourself. So, and once you start to actually embody that right through like repetition through like you use a mantra, that’s a fabulous tool that uses repetition to like actually allow that belief or that new thought to finally drip down into your subconscious, which is where we actually act from, from there that you’ll start to see when you embody that internally, it’s reflected back to you on the outside world. Like one can understand that they really are showing up confidently in their belief that they are confident. You will see that reflected back to you on the outside world, the world will reflect that back. Right? So.

Saralyn: It totally will. And it just brings up for me. I feel like I need to take a moment to say that in the work of revealing the confidence within, not building your confidence, but revealing it from within that for many of us, this is very privileged work, right. We have resources or narratives or social constructs that allow us to take time out from work to be able to do a meditation or have the resilience to whatever.

So just as a, as an acknowledgement that I have a lot of blind spots to other people’s situations who don’t have access to resilience, privilege, resources, to even be able to tap into this work.

Saralyn: Number one, for sure. Number two, because of my privilege, because of my access to resources, because of my economic status, because of my Canadian status, which has a lot of privilege in and of itself, I feel a responsibility to tap in to practices that help me reveal my confidence so I can show up in the world.

So I can do my work, right? Not my job, my work, and that I can have resilience to therefore help others step into theirs. That it is also for me personally, a form of responsibility and accountability for the privilege I do have.

Kirsti: Yeah, that’s beautiful. Agreed. Wholeheartedly agree with everything you just said. It really truly is. And the fact that you have the privilege, and to not exercise that privilege, for me, it’s just not an option.

Saralyn: I’m with you. Okay. Here’s a question.

Kirsti: Hm.

Saralyn: There are a whole bunch of people who are in various wobbly times trying to reenter back into a world where maybe you’re going back to work, or maybe you’re sending your kids out to their sports or whatever, right. You’re going out into your communities.

Life, for many of us anyways, is shifting to become more open than the zip-up that we’ve had over the last two years with a global pandemic. So one of the things that I’m thinking of, and I’m just, I’m looking for your ideas around practices here, Kirsti, narratives that are helpful.

I’m thinking of people who are going back into work, maybe it’s hybrid, maybe it’s in person. I don’t know whatever that looks like, just coming into this next place, whatever that looks like, and the confidence that you need for some it’s just to show up unmasked, literally unmasked, much less metaphorically unmasked, right?

Kirsti: Or just show up right.

Saralyn: Face to face or, you know, there there’s just changes in people’s lives, which take boundaries, which takes some forms of confidence to show up in self, right?What are some practices that are real practical and accessible that we can share with people to tap into their confidence. so that they can show up.

Kirsti: Yeah.

This is a fantastic question, particularly now, because people are feeling kind of in all sorts of different ways, all kinds of mixed feelings. And I think to honour that is the first step. And then, you know, then consciously create the thought and intention that you do want to follow through with, right?

Like, what you don’t want to do is continue to let the thought and emotion spiral you outward in the direction that you don’t want to go in, right? And I think some of the ways that we do that is like through comparing ourselves with others, where right now there is no standard and you’ve got so many different ways of being to look at well, is that how I want to be?

Is that how I want to be? Is that how I want to be? And my sort of like caution would be don’t compare what you want to do to what anybody else wants to do. What you want to do is the only option for you, do you, right. And I think to also, if you can, as much as you can have a positive attitude about this, right? Like, be open to the idea that this could be a positive experience, particularly if you’re finding your thoughts leading any other direction, can you find some kind of opening, an idea of like this might actually be good. Some good things might come out of this.

Saralyn: Yeah. Standing in that curious childlike wonder of what’s possible.

Kirsti: Exactly.

Saralyn: For me, I, my adds here: set up your intentions, set up your vision of what you would ideally like it all to look like. Right. So I don’t want to be just wasted from work when I get home.

How am I going to handle that now?

Right? It’s, what’s your vision, your ideal vision. And how do you try and keep yourself tugging along towards that with your intentions? I think that that’s really important and I liked your idea. You used the word around comparing, like the whole comparative analysis does not work. It is not helpful at all take what’s useful in terms of cool ideas, but the comparing is not helpful.

And I’m finding that there’s a lot of comparing going on. Right.

Kirsti: Yeah, and a of judgment top of that.

Saralyn: And then what yeah, exactly. And I’m like, oh my God. And then boundaries are gone and everything’s blown up and it’s like, okay, hold on. When, what do you need to do? What’s your safe word? What’s your key word that you use to say, I’m doing comparative analysis right now.

Not helpful. Right. So for me, like many of us I can get into comparing when I get on Instagram, I’ll look at them and they’re doing that. It’s like, oh, okay. As soon as I hear that thought the phone is literally powered off, not the program shut down. I mean, my phone is powered off. Cause it’s just like, I see

Kirsti: That’s the boundary.

Saralyn: Yeah. Right there. Right. It’s almost like survivor mode.

Kirsti: Yeah.

Saralyn: It’s what are the controls that you put in place to ensure that any imposter syndromes or comparative analyses or any of that stuff that starts creeping up, you recognize it and put a control in place to manage it.

Right. And create that for yourself.

Kirsti: And I would add one more thing, actually, just as in terms of a tool, I love the whole idea of like, you know, you feel yourself creeping into imposter syndrome or comparative analysis and like, like legit shutting off the source of that. So I love that actually, but one of the most powerful tools that I offer my clients in my practice is actually rewriting your self image script.

Saralyn: more.

Kirsti: Like, so this is a practice of basically visualizing who, who is it that you really are? And if it’s not who you are currently, who is it that you really want to be? This is like getting into embodying your next level self, like your highest self, your best self.

I don’t love all of these words best. I think sometimes, you know, has these connotations about like, there’s this one perfect part of like one self of you, which is not the case. You’re always going to be a messy human being, flawed human being. So that’s not what I’m talking about, but it’s about channeling and embodying that version of you, that is like your most confident self, right? Like, and in that way, again, we’re talking about like, I’ve got my own back, no matter what confidence.

And and it’s about like writing out a script of like who you are, how do you show up? What do you dress like? How do you relate to people?

Like, what do you think about yourself? And writing this out in present tense, so it’s like a, I am type script. I do this, I feel this way about myself. This is what I do in the morning when I wake up, this is what I do for myself before I go to bed at night. Um, and you can scope that however you want.

I mean, you can make it as long or as short as you want. But the purpose of doing the script is first of all, to get into your imagination and to like really poke at the edges of like who you are and like, how big do you want to be. Um, allow that in for yourself, like allow that experience of being like, perhaps quote-unquote bigger than who you are right now to actually soak into your body, soak into your possibility of like, this is already here, you’re just not accessing all of it yet.

Saralyn: Yeah.

Kirsti: And and then putting that into like written format. And then this is how you use it. You read it every day. You remind yourself who you are.

Saralyn: Yes.

Kirsti: Until you become that version of who you are.

Saralyn: Until you throw it out. Cause you’re like, that’s so me, I don’t even need this anymore.

Kirsti: That’s it. Cause

Saralyn: this? Why did I write this? Like, where did this even come from? But at the time it’s so revolutionary, but you’ve come so far that it’s totally who you are.

Kirsti: Yeah. It evolves. It totally evolves. Yeah.

Saralyn: So my add in prompts here would be, what do I need to thrive? Right. What do I need to thrive in my family? What do I need to thrive at work? Like, what do I need to thrive in my own inner talk? And I think that if you’re reading it, if you post it up on your mirror and you read it every morning, right? My add there would be, is there one word that encapsulates all of it for you? That when you tap into that one word over the course of the day, that it just brings it all back. What is your one word? Create that one word for yourself. For me right now it’s self-kindness. Period. And that means I have a whole bunch of stuff that comes up in my brain about what that means for me. What’s your word? What is the one word that you can source back to at three o’clock after that really hard meeting or whatever it is, right.

What’s that one word you can tap back in to be able to fully appreciate your whole self and what you’re striving to become, which is already within you, but you’re striving to become as you shared. Right.

Kirsti: Yeah. Yeah. I love that word. And I’ll share mine. Mine is gentle.

Saralyn: Mmm.

Kirsti: I want to be gentle with myself to be gentle is to accept all that is and to accept all that will be.

Saralyn: I love it. I think that there’s just one last piece that I want to bring in here, that you shared earlier about the uncomfortableness. So part of the practice of course, is being open and curious and in wonder of what is possible and being positive in that. And I think you and I also share the idea of making space for all that might be negative and heartbreaking and anxiety producing and whatever else. You can make space for those and not have to fix them. Just give them a little bit of space, give them a little hug.

Kirsti: Yeah.

Saralyn: And keep going, whatever that looks like for you, right? It doesn’t mean always solving what is bad. You don’t need the duct tape, the band-aid, the Advil, whatever it is.

For some of these emotions that come up, that sometimes it is just making the room and acceptance that that is just part of the journey as well. And that you are creative and resourceful, that you can move through these things as well.

Kirsti: 100000%. Yeah.

I, I relate to that so much. And, there’s actually a tool that I learned, from a psychotherapist that I employ in my practice that I can share here as to like, what is one way that you might move through that? Um, with those hard emotions, with difficult emotions coming up, which are actually in fact neutral emotions, it’s just what you think about that makes them negative.

Right? Those one way to process that and to be with it and to allow it, but not let it stop you in your tracks. Right. Which is like the freeze that like flight freeze fight, is to do, what’s called a self-compassion break. So this involves three steps, really simple, sitting where you are. I mean, having an awareness of what’s alive for you right now in your emotion, you can just acknowledge it, say, okay, I’m having a moment of like suffering, right?

I’m having a moment of anxiety or whatever it is, however you want to describe it. It’s just the reflection of like, okay, this is alive. The next step is to actually acknowledge. I’m not the only one who feels this way. Everybody suffers, has anxiety, you know? And then the third part is to acknowledge what you want to do with that.

What do you want to give to yourself in this moment? So this is like being the wise inner parent, right. And in a way. You know, you can say something along the lines of, acknowledging this may I be gentle with myself as I move throughout my day? May I be kind to myself? May I show myself compassion? And that’s it.

Saralyn: Yes. Yes. Some of these practices are just so easy. It’s taking these micro moments and just working through something as simple as what you’ve just shared, which is hard work, but a real simple process. Right.

So as, as you offer this practice to me, to some people they’re going to hear, oh, you know, the eye roll and, oh my goodness. And as if I have time. For me, what I hear and I offer to others is, wow, you just made what would cast out as some huge drama over the course of my entire day and weigh me down. You just gave me a little micro moment that I can do in like three minutes or less, that will help me totally reorient and recentre the way I see the world.

And then my day looks just completely different. You’ve just made my day, way more efficient. Thank you for that practice. Right? Like it’s just a different, it’s a different way of seeing what this work is and what it can do for us our confidence.

Kirsti: And it can look like so many different things. Like you said, every individual is unique. Every individual has unique needs. Everyone’s in a different place in their journey, right. Everyone is accessing a different intensity of that confidence that is within, uh, if you want to call it intensity or a different version of that state of being.

So again, it’s kind of just boiled down to like, do you. Like, what is confidence to you? Can you define that for yourself? Right. What does that feel like in your body? Can you explore that? Can you play with that? Can you have fun with that? Like, it doesn’t have to be this big, heavy, serious thing either.

I think sometimes we play so much importance and burden almost on ourselves in trying to like, you know, be this thing that we feel like we aren’t and like, oh, it becomes this tension and conflict. And instead, like, can we just turn that around and just kind of play with it? Be curious, like you said before, tap the edges, like poke around, kind of see, like, if I try it this way, what does it feel like? Like, can you, can you make it a practice that way?

Saralyn: Yeah.

Kirsti: Yeah.

Saralyn: That was beautiful, Kirsti, that prompt and all the prompts that we’ve had over the course of this, this conversation, I’m hoping are generative enough for people to sort of pick and choose what’s useful for them as they define what confidence means to them. What practices are useful for them as they sort of navigate their lives.

That it’s, it’s this place of figuring confidence out for yourself because unfortunately it’s not defined for you. This is part of the accountability of the work, is picking up the pieces that are most useful for you. Thank you for being here.

Kirsti: Thank you for having me.